The different types of guitarist.

The Different Types Of Guitarist.

I’ve put together a handy little guide to help you spot the different kinds of guitarist you may encounter ‘in the wild’ so to speak. The groupings are largely gender neutral, except where specified and are by no means mutually exclusive or permanent, it is entirely possible to be a bit in two groups simultaneously or move between them.

Musician:

When a guitarist reaches this level they have stepped outside of themselves and they have no ego, they listen to a track and know instinctively what is required and they play no more and no less than this, their vision is the finished product and hopefully the other musicians share this vision, this way musical perfection can sometimes be attained. They see themselves as a small but vital part of a masterpiece and the Musician is prepared to play nothing if it is required. They may have 20 guitars or none, it doesn’t matter, equipment doesn’t interest them beyond it not getting in the way of the music. They realise now that it never mattered. When they play, they are lost in the moment, all thoughts of long practiced routines are gone. If they are asked what kind of music they like, they will often reply ‘Good music’. It is unlikely that they have ‘heroes’.

Guitar played: Whatever they like.

Pro:

This is someone who earns the majority of his living from playing live. He will be able to play hundreds of songs note perfectly on demand, most of which he will be utterly sick of either as a result of playing them every night for the last two years or because they were dreadful to start with. Instead, he longs to play some obscure Frank Zappa tune in 9/8 time. His gear will be pared down to a ruthlessly functional rig that pays no attention to fashion. Reliability and cost being the main criteria, with portability coming in behind along with resistance to liquid spillage.

Guitar played: Mexican Fenders or entry level Gibsons etc. plugged onto a solid state Marshall.

Disciple:

For these unfortunates, guitar defines their very lives and without it they are empty shells, the musical equivalent of dried husks arranged in a sick and corrupt parody of human form. Often recruited from the ranks of teenage boys, and yes, they are almost always boys, these pale, spotty pubescents fixate on the guitar as a means by which to define their very souls in just the way a baby bird fixates on its mother as it emerges from the egg. We need not discuss the other solitary activity that teenage boys obsess over whilst in their bedrooms despite the very obvious parallels. Moving swiftly on…Heavy metal is almost always the music of choice for these socially compromised hermits and they think that faster/heavier/more distorted/more arpeggios always equals better. They can grow out of it, as I did, to realise that music is about SO MUCH MORE.
You may meet some beardy shed dweller, as I have, who is into some very particular kind of old motorcycle, he is familiar with every nuance of its all but forgotten production, design and performance, maybe even the names of the workers who built it. He will often own a permanently low mileage and inevitably immaculate example himself, the tyres untroubled by any contact with the road as they are because he has totally lost sight of the joys of actually riding the bike and it would be no surprise to find out that this bike was being produced during his puberty. If the onanistic young man fails to grow musically he will unfortunately become the guitar equivalent of this beardy shed dweller.
Some symptoms of this dread affliction to be aware of are excessive knowledge of the minutiae of guitar construction such as the nut radius of a pre CBS Strat or how many coil windings a PAF pick up contains. He will often be adamant that no music can really be played unless it’s on a certain guitar. As a result of long hours spent in solitary bedroom oriented pursuits he will grow to be a formidable technician on the guitar, able to play ‘Eruption’ or other ‘rite of passage’ guitar pieces. Consuming guitar media voraciously in order to stay at the front of the race and he certainly perceives it as a race, he is often able to convince the unwary that he is a Musician and undoubtedly, he has already convinced himself that he is a Virtuoso in waiting. He is very likely to suffer from the ‘gunslinger’ mentality but be aware that music is rarely produced whilst in this mental state and to the novice they can seem like a fount of knowledge, but it is vital that you are not sucked into the private, fetid hell that their sick, dead souls inhabit because, once there, you may never play a single original musical note.
Musicians are rarely troubled by Disciples, this is because whilst the Disciple spends his time ensconced in his permanently sticky bedroom, diligently engaged in the sole pursuit of technique, the Musician is left free to explore the remaining musical landscape, largely untroubled by these concerns. I once heard a Disciple claim that the purpose of music was so that you could hear good guitar tone!

Imagine his music.

If in doubt, always ask to hear some of their original tunes, because the life of a Disciple is almost always one of someone else’s music and this request will often precipitate a rapid scuttle back to the shadows of the invariably sticky bedroom like some sort of startled crab in a hastily shot nature documentary. A Disciple will often end up employed in the computer industry, game design, engineering or the sciences.

Guitar played: Signature model of chosen Virtuoso paired with an expensive boutique amp.

Virtuoso:

This a player who has become one with the music and transcended to a level that we mere mortals have no comprehension of. Often their music has gone with them. They produce albums that, in latter years at least, use a cheap and tawdry bit of musical sleight of hand, namely substituting the use of the Lydian mode for real musical creativity, hoping that the supposedly ‘magical’ or ‘awe inspiring’ sound of this mode will fool the queue of shuffling plebs outside the gig into believing that they are hearing true musical invention, rather than the cheap modal trick that it is. ‘See the pretty baubles…’ They typically sell small numbers of albums to Disciples, just enough to keep them in comfort, then do guest appearances on more mainstream albums to pay for the rest. Everyone admits that they are outstanding but will then say that they ‘haven’t listened to them for years’. If you go to see them play, you are almost certainly a male guitarist and as you look around, you will notice that the audience is comprised almost exclusively of other guitarists just like you, accompanied by their long suffering, dutiful girlfriends.

Guitar played: His contractually obliged signature model plugged into an exclusive hand built amp you may never have heard of.

Improver:

Serious student of the guitar who actually enjoys practice. Applies themselves diligently and is definitely on the ascent. Only limited by time and talent and is open to virtually all styles of music. Often a Musician in waiting unless they get seduced by the spirit sucking vampire dark side that is The Disciple.

Guitar played: Mid range Fender.

Prodigal Father:

Often a middle aged guy in a well paid job such as medicine, law or architecture, who has devoted himself to work and family and has just blown his bonus on a nice guitar but doesn’t really know how to play it or maybe played a little in his youth. Often it will be the kind of guitar a Disciple aspires to, but this guy has earned his toys and as such it requires no justification whatsoever. They often derive pleasure from simply owning the guitar of their dreams and guitar is a relaxation and a hobby for them. Years of work and family have hammered the ego out of them and they are blank musical canvasses. If they decide to graduate to Improver status an exciting musical world is out there, waiting for them.

Guitar played: Top of the line PRS or Les Paul Custom.

Woman:

Refreshingly devoid of the Disciple ego BS and petty obsessions with ‘the gear’. For them, the guitar serves the music, nothing more. The ascent to the level of Improver then Musician is often straightforward assuming that they can meet the physical challenges of the instrument and put in the hours.

Guitar played: Nothing specific as long as it looks nice and is a bit quirky. Wipe clean surface and resistance to baby sick definitely a plus.

Dilettante:

Often loves music, owns a guitar and even plays it sometimes. Likes the idea of improving but never really puts in the effort due to a busy life or a lack of application. Will know numerous tunes or fragments but often has no idea how it all hangs together.

Guitar played: Hard to name but it will be at least 10 years old with strings of a similar vintage and it will almost certainly be ‘cool looking’. Often a gift or lucky find as they will not have invested the time in researching a guitar for themselves.

Savant:

A very rare breed indeed. Often dyslexic and left handed, they are incapable of learning any form of structured music but infuriatingly, despite knowing virtually nothing, they still insist on churning out nice tunes by the truck load. There’s no point asking them how they do it because often, they will not be able to explain it in a way that is either meaningful or enlightening. Be grateful if you even get eye contact or a few mumbled, vaguely coherent sentences. It’s common that they will be interested in B&W photography as a sideline so if you encounter one, just enjoy the show and make sure to steal some riffs.

Guitar played: Charity shop acoustic or something salvaged from a roadside skip.

Child:

Often below the age where they become musically aware and so they rely completely on their parents’ music collection. Sadly, being relegated to pressing their putty like fingers onto the extra wide neck of an unrelenting and dreary classical guitar with the requisite ‘egg slicer’ action often proves to be too great a physical endeavour for them and it is likely to be the final nail in the coffin of their embryonic musical aspirations. Under no circumstances must they be allowed to come into contact with a Disciple as their unformed minds and lack of critical faculties make them easy prey. If you see a Disciple interacting in any way with a Child it is your musical duty to throw your self between them and instruct the Child to run. You could even shout ‘Save yourself, it’s too late for me’ for dramatic effect.

Guitar played: Entry level classical ‘until we see you’re serious’ or the father’s expensive ‘Don’t chip it!’ electric.

Collector:

Does not play the guitar at all, with the possible exception of a few simple open chords, he just likes having them around the house and he will often have a collection of very desirable and prohibitively expensive guitars numbering in double figures, possibly more. A very handy character to know if he falls on hard times and needs quick cash, or dies unexpectedly. A word of advice, maintaining this relationship must take precedence over any romantic entanglements you may have or desire to have, with the exception of wives and possibly fiancées. Even then though, it’s a fine line, it depends on the contents of the collection (and the romantic partner) and should be judged on a ‘per guitar’ basis.

Guitar Teacher (TYPE A):

Not usually seen in the wild because, as a rule, he doesn’t get out much. Shuns genuine social interaction, preferring to write lesson plans for his long suffering victims and penning supposedly humorous articles concerning the largely fictional distinctions between the tribes of guitarists, based mainly on his own personal prejudices and the limited pool of people he has met during the course of his life, rather than any real data. When not engaged in these solitary pastimes he will often be found practicing challenging scale based exercises in a desperate attempt to stay one step ahead of his more able students. On inspection of his appointments for that day, invariably you will find one of these more able students is due in 40 minutes or so, this obviously being the catalyst for the flurry of practice. Key behaviours to look for are a genuine joy in his students progress, irrespective of their abilities and a seemingly boundless supply of patience.

Guitar played: Hard to say but I have he will have numerous to choose from.

Guitar Teacher (TYPE B):

Unfortunately, this can be the fate of an unreformed mature Disciple. Often middle aged, dressing like a 70s rock star, with a web site that looks like it came from Yahoo Geocities and bitter that the world will not recognise them as the Virtuoso that they are convinced they must be and unwilling to admit defeat by getting a real job, they turn to teaching to supplement their ever dwindling income derived from gigs at Harvester and the Dog & Duck. Keen to regale the unfortunate student with tales of gigs of yesteryear often performed with ex members of Whitesnake, (the student should always remember to enquire whether this was the mega platinum selling, ‘hair metal’ version of Whitesnake David Coverdale morphed the band into in later years, featuring Steve Vai, or the ‘retirement home for old bluesers’ the band started out as). The former could be considered to be more prestigious but the latter in my humble opinion should be considered to have more artistic merit. Excellent technique and an almost encyclopaedic knowledge the ‘mother bird’s’ guitar playing style can be initially very convincing, however be aware that every time a student sits in front of him, it is a financially obligated, hourly reminder of his lost youth and failed dreams.

Guitar played: The ‘mother bird’s’ exact setup or as close as his finances will allow. It’s likely that this guitar too will look as if it has been salvaged from a skip but don’t be fooled, it is almost certainly the most expensive item he owns and he will take every opportunity to tell you why it is superior to yours with lengthy and tedious technical explanations.